One Year Later...
Aug. 13th, 2009 03:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I'm not the type of person who marks the passing of time.
Other people make "end of the year" entries in December, or they make big "the progress thus far" entries on their kids' birthdays, or they mark big milestones with entries dedicated to whatever. Me? Nope. I might make a "It's my birthday! Give me cake!" entry. I might make a happy birthday entry for Bryan or Q or Ganon, or mention someone else in the entry I happen to make on their birthday. Might wish you a happy holiday. But I've never been one to mark the day or feel as though it's important that I do so, whether with a blog entry or anything else.
I think this is a function of my "now"-ness. As
quiara has put it, I'm so inherently part of the present, so completely involved in this moment RIGHT HERE, that there are some things that escape me. I can be flaky, though I try my hardest not to be. I am often extremely forgetful of things that aren't right in my face (leading to severe absentmindedness). I don't remember birthdays (including my own) or holidays, I forget to buy gifts, I forget to send thank-you notes (though I do thank people at the time, always). I'm pretty much chronically late. I just don't think much about time, and the ways in which we mark its passing.
This program has been different. My social world, usually as widely varied & diverse & frenetic as I can make it, dwindled & retracted to a very small handful of my closest. I became the closest thing possible to "introverted" for me. It exaggerated my now-ness and heightened my absentminded & flaky tendencies. It was nuts. I was getting distracted from my nursing homework by more nursing homework. I had little time for family, friends, or anything that I wasn't supposed to be assessing or making a care plan on.
Now, after it's over, after I've graduated, gotten a pin & an official transcript & a bachelor of science in nursing, I feel as though I have been catapulted off a train and hit the ground to grind to a complete, breathless halt. Like running at full speed and slamming into a brick wall. Maybe it's more like a cushioned wall, since I have to say being homeworkless isn't exactly painful. ^_^ But it's noticeable. I suddenly profoundly realize the passage of time. I've missed a year, and suddenly I realize that fact. It's a sharp, acute feeling. I never feel older, but now, after this program, I do. That is so unusual for me.
So I'd like to thank those of you who've been close to me. To those few to whom I retreated, thank you for putting up with my bonus flakiness & absentmindedness. I will try to make it up to you; at least I'll try to get back to my usual amount of it instead of the elevated state I've been in this year. :D Thanks for still loving me in spite of my lateness, my absence, my preoccupation, and my backing out at the last moment on a million things.
To Bryan: thanks for watching Ganon when I needed to study. Thanks for eating take-out all the time. Thanks for being aware that my short temper & snappishness were results of elevated stress. Thanks for...I don't know. Just thanks for EVERYTHING. Thanks for loving me.
To Ganon: You won't remember this, and I'm glad for that, 'cause dude you HATED it. I'm sorry Mama had to be gone so often and for so long. I'm sorry you always had to stay with someone who wasn't me. I'm sorry I had to lock myself in the office away from you to take tests.
To Q: Thanks for sticking around when I was never online and even less present in person. Thanks for always telling me I was doing a good job at a worthwhile endeavor & that I'd get through it. Thanks for reminding me, continually, that Bs were just fine. Even when I insisted that I had internalized this. Because I hadn't, and was still trying to convince myself and you helped massively. ^o^ NO THANKS FOR TEASING ME ABOUT CROCHETING.
To the Ladiez & my local friends: Thank you so much for the support and a place to vent. To you as well, thanks for putting up with me despite my flakiness & my absences. I'm really sorry for my unreliability as a friend this year, and I'll be doing better now that this is over.
To my house: Holy crap, I'm sorry I neglected the daylights out of you. Gross. I don't have to go in to work until August 24th for orientation; I promise I'm gonna clean you up. <3
To all of you: thanks. You've put up with me through this & you're still reading. It's over now, so expect more commenting out of me as I have more energy & time to do it. I appreciate your stick-around-ness.
SO. Now begins the real life part of nursing. I'm excited to see where this goes, and I look forward to writing lots of vague, frustrating entries that don't violate HIPAA. ^o^
Other people make "end of the year" entries in December, or they make big "the progress thus far" entries on their kids' birthdays, or they mark big milestones with entries dedicated to whatever. Me? Nope. I might make a "It's my birthday! Give me cake!" entry. I might make a happy birthday entry for Bryan or Q or Ganon, or mention someone else in the entry I happen to make on their birthday. Might wish you a happy holiday. But I've never been one to mark the day or feel as though it's important that I do so, whether with a blog entry or anything else.
I think this is a function of my "now"-ness. As
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
This program has been different. My social world, usually as widely varied & diverse & frenetic as I can make it, dwindled & retracted to a very small handful of my closest. I became the closest thing possible to "introverted" for me. It exaggerated my now-ness and heightened my absentminded & flaky tendencies. It was nuts. I was getting distracted from my nursing homework by more nursing homework. I had little time for family, friends, or anything that I wasn't supposed to be assessing or making a care plan on.
Now, after it's over, after I've graduated, gotten a pin & an official transcript & a bachelor of science in nursing, I feel as though I have been catapulted off a train and hit the ground to grind to a complete, breathless halt. Like running at full speed and slamming into a brick wall. Maybe it's more like a cushioned wall, since I have to say being homeworkless isn't exactly painful. ^_^ But it's noticeable. I suddenly profoundly realize the passage of time. I've missed a year, and suddenly I realize that fact. It's a sharp, acute feeling. I never feel older, but now, after this program, I do. That is so unusual for me.
So I'd like to thank those of you who've been close to me. To those few to whom I retreated, thank you for putting up with my bonus flakiness & absentmindedness. I will try to make it up to you; at least I'll try to get back to my usual amount of it instead of the elevated state I've been in this year. :D Thanks for still loving me in spite of my lateness, my absence, my preoccupation, and my backing out at the last moment on a million things.
To Bryan: thanks for watching Ganon when I needed to study. Thanks for eating take-out all the time. Thanks for being aware that my short temper & snappishness were results of elevated stress. Thanks for...I don't know. Just thanks for EVERYTHING. Thanks for loving me.
To Ganon: You won't remember this, and I'm glad for that, 'cause dude you HATED it. I'm sorry Mama had to be gone so often and for so long. I'm sorry you always had to stay with someone who wasn't me. I'm sorry I had to lock myself in the office away from you to take tests.
To Q: Thanks for sticking around when I was never online and even less present in person. Thanks for always telling me I was doing a good job at a worthwhile endeavor & that I'd get through it. Thanks for reminding me, continually, that Bs were just fine. Even when I insisted that I had internalized this. Because I hadn't, and was still trying to convince myself and you helped massively. ^o^ NO THANKS FOR TEASING ME ABOUT CROCHETING.
To the Ladiez & my local friends: Thank you so much for the support and a place to vent. To you as well, thanks for putting up with me despite my flakiness & my absences. I'm really sorry for my unreliability as a friend this year, and I'll be doing better now that this is over.
To my house: Holy crap, I'm sorry I neglected the daylights out of you. Gross. I don't have to go in to work until August 24th for orientation; I promise I'm gonna clean you up. <3
To all of you: thanks. You've put up with me through this & you're still reading. It's over now, so expect more commenting out of me as I have more energy & time to do it. I appreciate your stick-around-ness.
SO. Now begins the real life part of nursing. I'm excited to see where this goes, and I look forward to writing lots of vague, frustrating entries that don't violate HIPAA. ^o^